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 Title: Enduring Time Author: Su Freund Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com Category: Angst, romance, friendship, drama Content Level: Age 13+ Content Warnings: Major character death, mild language, sexual situations Pairings: Jack/Sam, Sam/Teal'c, Daniel/Vala Season: Future Spoilers: Up to and including "Unending" Summary: Young Captain Sam Carter had heard things about Colonel Jack O'Neill, plenty... Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Unending Time and Chapter 5 of Enduring Time Status: Continuing Series Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright 2008 Su Freund Author's notes: Thanks once again to ImmerRDA for her tireless efforts in beta reading this series. Her comments and suggestions have been invaluable. Enduring Time: Chapter 6 Previously: Now, she found herself confronted by an array of Jack's old clothing, including uniforms. Fondly, she reached out to touch the blue fabric, running her fingers over the eagles that had designated him as a colonel, her team leader. Old memories rushed back to her, memories of the days before they had come together as husband and wife and settled into their happy peace with each other. And, along with those old memories, the tears came unbidden to her eyes yet again, dampening the blue fabric of the uniform she caressed against her cheek. This uniform had signified his rank as her Commanding Officer. It had meant so much to her, just as he had, inextricably uniting and bonding them, but also standing as a powerful obstacle to their feelings for what had seemed an unending time. Sam had admired, respected and loved Jack for so many years that it was almost too hard to recall a time in her life when she had not. That love would remain with her until her dying day - always - and something about that notion made her smile. It was as if Jack reached out to her from beyond the grave. She could feel his touch, the whisper of his breath on her neck and his softly spoken words of love. The thought that he was watching over her, continuing to care for and protect her, calmed her. It always would. The story continues: Caressing the eagle and the blue fabric of his old uniform lovingly, like an old treasure, Sam recalled the first time she ever saw Jack. He wore such a uniform, maybe this very one. A smile flittered across her lips. God, he looked so handsome that he quite took her breath away. She was nervous enough at the prospect of meeting Colonel Jack O'Neill, the man who would become her new commanding officer, and stepping through her beloved Stargate for the first time. Young Captain Sam Carter had heard things about Colonel Jack O'Neill, plenty. After all, she had worked on the Stargate Project back in DC. One could not help but hear things about the first man who stepped though an event horizon of a Stargate to set foot on another planet millions of light years away. And Sam had been thinking of joining NASA if they would take her. Sheesh, who needed NASA? They had not known that then, of course. Back then, they believed the Stargate only accessed Abydos. They had no concept that a whole network existed, scattered over the galaxy and beyond. Sam tried her darnedest to prove there was more to the Stargate than most people imagined. She had all but given up the notion when the powers that be decided to transfer her to Cheyenne Mountain for that trip to Abydos. Sam admired O'Neill from afar thinking it took a certain kind of courage, if not foolhardiness, to take that first step with no idea of what you might encounter on the other side of the wormhole. She admired and envied him. As a result, she was nervous about meeting him, desperately wanting to prove she was worthy to serve with him. Hammond might make it a command, but she needed Jack O'Neill to want her on his team. The young Captain expected some flack, so was prepared for it, but she did not expect to find herself so immediately attracted to him. He was achingly handsome and it caught her off guard. Her disappointment at his comments about women and scientists threw her for a loop and she made an ass of herself. Comments about reproductive organs being on the inside and not the outside, and suggesting they arm wrestle, among other plainly ridiculous things, for crying out loud! Not at all the first impression she wanted to make. Jack must have thought her a fool. Indeed, she had acted foolishly. Sam did not listen to someone who knew what to expect because she was way too cocky about her preparedness for the mission, and determined to prove herself to the seemingly arrogant O'Neill. Or at least, she considered him arrogant because of their exchange, and that impression of him disenchanted her. On later reflection, however, Sam realized she had been the truly arrogant one. Oh, the self-assurance of youth. She could have kicked her own ass from Colorado all the way back to DC. It was such a simple thing that rapidly reinstated her admiration for him. After they stepped through the wormhole, she felt so sick. She was cursing herself for interrupting the advice the colonel had been about to impart at the briefing, and for trying to be a know-it-all smartass. Sam expected him to make some kind of sarcastic comment about scientists or women not being up to the task of wormhole travel, or snotty nosed Captain/Doctors who should not be so overconfident. However, he did no such thing. Instead, he simply patted her on the shoulder sympathetically and mumbled something about eating a big lunch. His tone had been jokey, sure, but also seemed genuine. She liked that he did not say I told you so, particularly as Sam knew she well deserved his disapprobation. But Jack rose above the petty and, with that small gesture of support, took the first step on the long and circuitous path that bound her to him forever. Bound them both together, actually, and Sam reminded herself she should never lose sight of that. Her husband was a great team leader and CO. Sam truly enjoyed working with him over the years, and learned a lot from him. She respected him probably far more than he ever realized. Sure, he had faults, but they all did. Jack was a master of strategy and tactics and handled weapons with unerring and chilling accuracy, including his sometimes lethal hands. He knew how to make best use of the resources he had, including the members of his team. He was acutely intelligent, even if he tried to hide it, and certainly streetwise. His special ops training stood all of them in good stead many times. Although Jack's sarcastic humor could get him into trouble, he would use it to draw attention from his team and toward him, trying to distract their enemies to save his team at his expense - a brave and daring man. His humor also brought each of them hope where there might have been despair, and his determination and belief that they would survive against the odds often saved them. How could she fail to fall for a man like that, flaws and all? How she resisted the impulses of her feelings for so many years still astonished her even now. Leaning further toward the uniform she caressed so fondly, Sam buried her nose in the fabric, inhaling and imagining she could smell Jack's scent lingering in its weave. Of course, she knew this was likely to be nonsense. Jack had not worn the uniform for years. Nevertheless, she believed she could smell him, maybe borne from an ingrained memory of his masculine aroma. Pulling the jacket off its hanger, she held it to her breast and face, moving away from the closet with it clutched in her hands and sitting down to sway back and forth in the chair. She clasped it as if the jacket was her husband made flesh again. "Oh, Jack," she sobbed, "I miss you so much," and the tears she believed she had staunched earlier started up yet again, along with that small kernel of resentment that he had left her alone. She tried to suppress the anger and embrace the sorrow. Sam did not wish to be angry with her husband, or bitter, although she realized she probably would be for a very long time. This was not Jack's fault. Nevertheless, she still resented him and her loss. Jack was the one real love of her life and Sam knew she had never truly known what love was until he taught her, despite her dalliances with other men before they had finally been able to commit to each other. She believed herself to have been in love, sure, but Sam quickly learned to know better once she allowed her love for Jack to flourish. It took them a long time to get there, way too long, but their marriage was worth the wait. Those years were pure gold. Putting the jacket to one side, she rose from her chair and wandered over to the closet again, pulling out handfuls of Jack's clothes and tossing them on the bed. Then she started to pick up individual items and hold them close, pondering the different memories that assailed her with each one. Gasping aloud when she picked up one of his old sweaters, she recalled he had been wearing it when... it reminded her of the only time in their lives together that they had come even remotely close to breaking up. If things had been different... it did not bear thinking about, nevertheless, Sam contemplated it. They had good sex lives throughout most of their married lives but, of course, as they aged there came a time when their love life slowed. The sex and the aftermath became increasingly infrequent, but the cuddles rarely seemed to diminish. Touch was a constant means of communication, a way of emphasizing love when other, more strenuous physical activity, could not. There was an exceptional period, however, when this had not been so. In fact, both physical and verbal communication and contact became almost non-existent. Jack shut Sam out almost completely and she had no clue as to why, only guesses that became increasingly pessimistic in the absence of knowledge. She felt rejected, unwanted and hurt. They argued quite a lot during that terrible phase. Over time, the tension between them worsened and they hardly spoke a kind word, or touched each other with the affection they once shared. Indeed, sharing anything seemed to be a thing of the past. All Sam could see ahead was a bleak and increasingly destructive future. Their marriage was spiraling out of control. She was heartbroken, believing the man she loved so intensely had stopped loving her. The unthinkable had happened and there seemed to be no way to talk to him about it or communicate her sense of loss. That was until, one day, Jack returned home earlier than expected and walked in on Sam packing her clothes. He was wearing the sweater then, just returned into the warmth of their house from the bitter cold of winter outside. Standing in the doorway, stunned, he watched her packing silently for a while. Sam knew he was there but said nothing, irritably throwing clothes all over the place. "Going somewhere?" he asked. His tone of voice was so low and quiet that she could barely hear the words, but it was his manner of speaking that made her listen more intently. She sensed despair and turned to face him, fury and pain welling up and making tears brim under her lids. "We need a break." "You're moving out?" he croaked, his tone indicating great pain and shock. Jack stood so still that this was something else that drew her attention. Stillness in Jack was a rarity and begged for attention. Clasping her hands together in front of her to stop from fidgeting, she hesitated before responding. "I-I... um... we're falling apart, Jack." He sucked in a jagged breath, obviously overwhelmed but without a clue as to how he should respond. The expression on his face spoke of so much heartache and sorrow that Sam was not sure he needed words, although he found them eventually. "Y-you can't leave me, Sam." He missed a please, the plea, but it was clearly there in his voice and demeanor. She might have snapped back at him, responding with something sarcastic and cruel like "Oh, can't I? That's what you think", but she did not. Sam did not want to leave him, still loved her husband very much and had no real desire to hurt him. Her own acute pain, however, had led her along this dreadful path. It seemed to her that they had stopped communicating on almost every level and this became unbearable and suffocating. She needed to breathe once again, to have time to contemplate. And, perhaps, she wanted to shock him into action, to do almost anything to break the deadlock between them. "I'm not leaving you," she countered, keeping her voice as even as possible considering the circumstances. Sam had no desire to burn her bridges. She desperately wanted a way out, a way back into his heart, to return to the wonderful relationship they had once shared. She did not know if that was possible, or if it was what Jack wanted, but she yearned for it nevertheless. "I just need to get away... just a few days. I need some time to think. You don't seem to want me. We do nothing but argue. Either that or we don't talk at all." "Please, don't go," he said now, and she cracked, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You think this is what I want? It's not, but recently..." She tailed off uncertainly. "You were just going to go? Say nothing?" His voice held fear and heartache when she might have expected rage. Sam nodded mutely, feeling guilty, just as she should for considering such an option. A phrase about final straws and camels' backs came to mind, but Sam knew she was doing the wrong thing in the wrong way. How could she have thought...? No courage, perhaps. What surprised her most was his total lack of anger. This was one reason she considered leaving without a word. Jack had been so angry lately, virtually all the time. She tried so hard but her efforts seemed fruitless. "If-if that's what you want then..." he started calmly, but she could see from his expression that he did not really mean that. He did not want her to go and looked devastated that she might. Sam was surprised he showed it, did not even attempt to blank it out like she had seen him do so many times before. His agony was plainly there to see. "I don't," she replied. Jack made it seem so simple but she knew it was far from that and wondered what he was thinking about the why. He still had not moved. Only his breath and the expression on his face gave any indication that he was a living being rather than a man of stone. Sam was furious but tried to stifle it to meet his calm and quiet manner. She did not want another monumental row. She wanted to know what was wrong with her husband, why he had been acting so un-Jack like. Eventually, she summoned enough composure to speak without rancor. "Have you been having an affair?" she asked bluntly, something that had gone through her mind many times, but remained unvoiced. Jack looked horrified. "What? No, of course not!" he denied emphatically, anger surfacing at last as he reeled from such an accusation. "Why would you think...?" he started but realized he knew why, so did not finish and his anger subsided back into the sorrowful calm that was even more disturbing. Antagonism, Sam could deal with, but this... this seemingly cool composure was harder, way harder. "Then why, Jack? What's wrong with you? Why have you been so...?" "Angry?" he interrupted with exactly the word she was going to choose. Anger was only half of it. He had been distant too, and realized his wife felt rejected, pushed away. That was his fault for being dishonest and not wanting to face the truth. He feared the consequences of the truth, but now he had no choice. She nodded and he moved at last, a hand scrubbing through his unruly hair. He could not look at her and his eyes meandered elsewhere, then he stepped forward slightly, trying to swallow his pride and summon the guts to tell her. Sam waited, knowing he was faltering, but giving him ample opportunity to find the words he sought. When they came, they were few. Two words, quietly and desperately uttered, that told her almost everything, although Sam could hardly believe it. "I-I'm impotent," he stated, voice filled with desperation. She stared at him wordlessly for a moment, open mouthed with astonishment. "Wh...? No, Jack, that's insane. You can't..." she started when she found her voice, stopping dead, knowing her denial did not help. So this was why he had rejected her, why he had stopped trying to make love to her and stopped communicating? With this knowledge, everything suddenly fell into place and Sam could not have been more stunned, and ashamed. This was not about her, as she selfishly supposed, it was about Jack - about fear, denial, pretence and shattered self-esteem. Understandably, such attacks on his manhood made him morose and lose confidence. Then, humiliated by his failure like many men in a similar situation, Jack tried to hide his dysfunction and feelings from her. "My god, are you sure?" It was such an absurd question that she could have kicked herself for asking it. Of course, this was what he believed, that much was obvious, no matter what the truth might be. He did not seem to notice her inanity and shrugged helplessly. "Well I haven't been able to-to... you know... I can't..." Sam realized how difficult this confession must be for a man who had always been virile and active. Pride alone would have made it hard on him, and Jack could be very unforthcoming about intimate, private things, a habit he tried to break, but it was not always possible. She should not even expect it to be possible. "I-I... I wish you'd said something. There's lots of things... you should have said," she stammered. "I couldn't," he replied in a hoarse voice, the lump in his throat audible. He was on the verge of cracking. Still Jack could not look his wife in the eye, and he had not really explained much, but she knew. Moving toward him, Sam threw her arms around him and clung tightly. For a few moments, he remained unmoving and then slowly wound his arms around her too, and they swayed together, gripping each other desperately. "I'm sorry," he said in a tone of total defeat that Sam found alarming. He seemed so fragile, something she was unused to with her husband. Sam was not certain what he was apologizing for, his behavior, his lack of openness, or his impotence problem. It hardly mattered now she knew what he feared, what had driven them apart. "I don't want to lose you, Sam. I can't..." The words were obviously heartfelt, a truly honest and open expression of feeling. It broke her heart that she had hurt him so, that it had come to this. Sam wished she had been able to talk to him and get him to open up earlier, before taking the drastic step she had been about to take. The plain fact was that she had been unable to. She was not sure whose fault that really was. Blame and recrimination was fruitless. They had to deal with the problem and move on. "God, Jack, you won't. I just wish you could have told me. There are ways... things we can do. You're my husband. I'm here for you. You should have known that." "I- thought if I told you... I might lose you. It seems not speaking up was way worse." His tone was ironic, fitting that situation. "You think I'd leave you because of that?" It pained her to realize he had believed it, but now was not the time to say so. He needed assurances, not accusations. "I love you Jack. There's more to us than sex." "I know, but I never was the brightest bulb in the box. I told you you'd married a dumb ass." Loosening her grip, she pulled away and hastily swept everything that she had strewn over the bed onto the floor, sitting and reaching out her hand to him. "C'mere," she said, echoing an expression he had used so many times when she had needed comfort. Hesitantly, he moved forward. "Come on, lie down with me. Hold me." Jack bit his bottom lip, tilting his head in a brief nod of agreement, and then lay down with her and they held each other, not even attempting anything else. Sam wanted to, knew Jack could always find other ways to satisfy her than straightforward lovemaking. She would like to have tried to do something for him. Fearing failure, however, she did not, needing to know more about his dysfunction first. Disappointment might make things worse in the short term. This situation must be very frustrating for him, Sam realized. She had missed making love so badly and probably Jack had too. But he was very good with his hands and mouth - no denying it - though none of that resolved his issues, only her sexual frustration. However much she wanted and needed him, right now this was what he needed; to know she loved him and that sex was not the most important part of their lives together. This turned into one of those rare occasions when Jack spilled his guts to her. He admitted his regret and fear about the age difference between them, which hardly seemed an issue before. He believed he could not keep up with a younger wife, that he was too old and past his prime. Sam knew this was nonsense, although she never said as much in so many words. The last thing Jack needed right then was to think she was dismissive of his fears. Impotence in older men normally occurs because the deterioration of their blood vessels means the blood fails to reach that part of their body effectively enough, although there can be other causes. The problem might sometimes be temporary, but the damage to a man's self-respect might have wreaked havoc by then, and too many give up trying, or try to hide it from their partners, just as Jack did. Merely being older was not the problem, not in itself. What Jack did not realize was that around seventy percent of men can still function at the age of seventy or beyond, and he was way younger than that. But he believed the dysfunction was something to do with his age and that was that. Sam, of course, did the research. There was no way was she giving up, or letting Jack do so. She tried to encourage him and bolster his ego, but he was discouraged and depressed, believing that he could not be a proper husband without providing what he thought of as real sex. Sam went out of her way to make it fun to try with a few sexual toys intended to harden and sustain. Most of all, however, she made it clear that she still loved and respected him, that his problem had not diminished him in her eyes, or her feelings toward him. That was more important than anything in helping get their relationship back on track. As it turned out, Jack's dysfunction was not age related in the least. He had been suffering from high blood pressure and his medication caused the problem. Unlike many couples who went through this predicament, they were lucky. Simply changing the prescription corrected his dysfunction. So, their sex lives returned to normal, although they continued to use the toys, which added a bit of piquancy to their already spicy sex lives. Her earlier tears now dried, and still clutching the sweater that invoked the memories, Sam smiled as she ran her fingers over its woolen surface and remembered. Sure, they had less sex as they aged, who didn't? That was natural, although they continued to have sex regularly for most of the remainder of their marriage, with Jack performing normally most of the time. She still shuddered at the notion that sex, or lack of it, had come so close to tearing them apart. It was not really the sex, of course, but the absence of intimacy, affection and effective communication that caused the problem. After that, Jack never made the same mistake again; the error of shutting Sam out, thrusting her away, not confiding. However hard that could be for him, he tried even harder to keep her close because their marriage was worth the effort, worth fighting for. After that, he never gave up again. Deliberately, Sam pulled herself back to the present and realized she had been daydreaming or reminiscing about Jack for hours. She imagined him berating her for that, and telling her to get on with her life, but he remained a huge part of her life, even if he was no longer physically there. It might be upsetting to remember, but the memories were also a comfort. So many of them were good ones. She could invoke him at a whim, it seemed - his scent, his touch, his smile, his voice. Although these recollections were mere phantoms, they seemed very real to Sam, and she was grateful for them. The thoughts of phantoms prompted her to consider reality. Getting up from her chair, she went to the phone and called Daniel and Vala, yearning for the consolation of their company, and pleased they were around to provide it. Jack probably would have said something about hating it when Daniel was right, and that thought made Sam smile. TBC |